Another Week Almost Done . . .

SONG OF THE MOMENT: "(At Your Best) You Are Love" - by The Isley Brothers or Aaliyah, your choice :-)

So I know I haven't posted anything since last week. To update as quick as a I can (although I feel this might be a pretty long entry) I haven't cried since last Tuesday. Its funny to think that a night of music and around deprecating friends can really help (but that's why I depend on music so much, but we'll get into that later . . ) It also helps that the sun was out bright and shining, so no gloom overhead means better spirits for me! Its also funny for me to think, in an earlier post, I compared what I was feeling to drowning without hopes of being rescued. When I would go do my workouts, the place that I felt most comfortable, the most clear-headed, and the most centered, was in the pool. I could probably do lap upon lap and it releases everything that I've jumbled in my head and uses it to my advantage in the water. So maybe drowning really wasn't the best analogy . . .

And I do have to agree with my roommate (and one of my favorite films, Love Actually) that its the holidays, I'm suppose to be happy and celebrate the good times. Fer crissakes, sunshines and rainbows should be shooting out of my ass!!!! So I have been in a definite better mood lately. Speaking of the holidays, I've nothing done and now its approaching in less than 5 days! God, am I screwed . . .

I really feel I have so much to hit upon but in my usually ADHD manner, I'll probably forget something and have to post again. Anyway, First on the list, The hire of Rich Rodriguez at Michigan. Here is my opinion on the matter, as terse as I can make it. I can understand the need to move up in the ranks of your occupation. It's human nature. But I really think Rich is a greedy, no good, traitorous, coward, to put it nicely. He pull the same blackmail crap last year and said he would be at WVU a long, long time. I guess a long, long time to him is 8 months . . . If he uses the excuse that it was an opportunity he couldn't pass up, because of the legendary status of the program (which is rightful so. I mean the Michigan - OSU rivalry is considered my MOST, the biggest rivalry in North American Sports) Why leave a school and a state, that one, look at you as a god, and two, build your own legend instead of attaching yourself to an established legendary program. So Rich wants to join the ranks of coaches like Woody Hayes, Felding Yost, Bo Schembechler, but now he's really going to have to work that much harder to get himself distinguished without having to add the name of a school like Michigan to solidify his name in the hall of fame books. He thought the wrath he felt after WVU lost to Pitt was bad. Wait until he deals with OSU and especially Michigan fans. If he can't produce wins ESPECIALLY against his new college rival, he's going to be canned so fast, where can he go? He's definitely not welcome back to his home state. Why welcome back someone who says he loves his home, and then be so secretive to get out? Lots of people in the state feel betrayed and alot of people on the outside don't get it. West Virginia is not a big state. There are very few people that they can look at to instill pride in where they are from. Rich took that away in one fell swoop. BTW, for those of you not in the know, I am a HUGE Ohio State fan (I'm even a part of the Chicago Alumni chapter and I didn't graduate from there!!!) You think I hate Michigan. you're wrong, I DESPISE them even more! Good Luck Rich. It'll bite you in the ass in the end. And one more note on this . .. O-H-I-O!!!!

I am excited to know that two of my best friends are back in town for the holidays (even though I leave saturday!) And the "Double Dates +1" are back for another lovely evening of dinner and discussion. Everything from Michelle's Feminist debates to my Anti-Gay Marriage stance (yeah, yeah, I know. Its very difficult to understand but if we had the time you'd at least get my point of view, even though Michelle doesn't! LOL!) Above is a picture when the Larcheys and I visiting Jack and Michelle in Kansas. And I'm excited because its Tango Sur - damn, I love me some good steak!

I promise I'll post my ideology of music soon. It could be pretty damn lengthy so I may have to do it in parts. For now, find the song of the moment and take a listen. I always consider it one of the most underrated love song. Why? All relationships aren't perfect There are problems, arguments, etc. But what is a best way to compliment the one you love? By telling them they are the phyiscal epitome of what your heart feels deep down in side. Life isn't perfect and it shouldn't be. You learn a lesson that will also help you understand that at our best, we will always be "love."

Until Next Time . . .

Another Day Slowly Passes . . .

SONG OF THE MOMENT: "What Am I Here For?" - written by Duke Ellington

After having people read the last post, I've had people tell me that I need to pull myself together and and stay positive and I'm doing the best I can. They also have told me not to make contact, I need a complete cut-off. That sounds so easy but I really want to reach out. Maybe for everyone else they can do that, but I can't. It may even help me out. The one thing I fear is that if i was ever out in public and saw him, it may be the first time in a long time that I'd cry in public and that the last thing I want anybody to see. For some reason, this has been the worst case I have ever suffered. It wasn't as bad as yesterday but I still find myself crying. Its hard when you are all alone in an empty apartment.

Tonight is one of the few nights that mean alot to me. For those of you not in the know, I sing around the city. I haven't been getting professional gigs lately which is fine because I've been so busy , but Tuesdays are the sole outlet for my one true passion. Open Mic starts at 9:30ish at Thirty-One Sixty. Because its the holiday season, I also have such a short amount of time to sing Holiday music. Tonight might be the last time for the holiday music since I may not be able to sing next Tuesday. So if you come around and convince me to stay positive maybe I can crank out a few of my favorite holiday tunes instead of singing the jazz, blues, and soul that I usually do (and stuff which would definitely help me express myself instead of bottling it in.)

Another Hard Pill to Swallow . . .

SONG OF THE MOMENT: "The One I Gave My Heart" - Aaliyah

I know I've had this account for a while and I've been meaning to start blogging again (I've had an online journal on and off for at least 8 years), I just never got around to doing so. I'm not saying I have the time now, but it seems more imperative that I write what I need to down without feeling like I'm drowning and no hope of being rescued.

Without going into too much detail, the events that occurred yesterday, left me in a state of total disbelief. And today, especially because I work from home, I've never felt more lonely in my life. I forgot how painful heartbreak is and I understand why I've always protected myself as much as I could. That one time, the one moment I let myself be open to something again, and it was all thrown in my face. Out in the open I put up my best strong appearance, not necessarily brushing it off, but showing that I will not be broken. But the moment I stepped into my room, or sit in my empty apartment, my stomach sinks and I just start crying uncontrollably. There are periods of the day where I'm focus on what I have to do and then all of a sudden, my mind switches automatically to a picture of last night, and I sink again.

Yesterday I had friends tell me to forget about it and I have to get over it, and I put up that strong facade. But like so many people famous and non-famous have said in the past, it's easier said then done. Its funny, I decided to look at some of my old online journal postings and I wrote one where I talked about losing faith and such. And to quote my self on February 21, 2007 "Do I know where I'm going and do I know what I'm doing? No. I don't think I ever truly will. But You have to have faith in something if you don't have faith in yourself." I told my roommate last night is it any wonder that I have no faith when people you care about can be so cruel. Looking back at that entry, It saddens me even more because i've been slowly picking up the pieces and been so focused on what I have to do professionally, monatarily, etc. and now, I don't even think I have faith in anything anymore. I'm THAT heartbroken. Then I get angry, not at the other party, but at me for being so stupid. I should have known better with my past and still I opened up a little. The boxer / kickboxer in me forgot the first and most important rule . . . never let your guard down and now I don't even want to get up from the canvas.

There is so much I want to do but I know I shouldn't. There's so much I want to say, but my mind is racing too fast for me to think as clear and concise as I want to be. I didn't sleep well last night and I don't see myself sleeping well tonight either . . . alone in a dark room. But I want to sleep, and just dream . . .. and I can't even do that because when I close my eyes all I see is him.

I don't know how to pick up the pieces again and rebuild a wall that took so long to erect. And like before can I ever let another person in?

And now I'm just . . . shattered . . .