Another Hard Pill to Swallow . . .

SONG OF THE MOMENT: "The One I Gave My Heart" - Aaliyah

I know I've had this account for a while and I've been meaning to start blogging again (I've had an online journal on and off for at least 8 years), I just never got around to doing so. I'm not saying I have the time now, but it seems more imperative that I write what I need to down without feeling like I'm drowning and no hope of being rescued.

Without going into too much detail, the events that occurred yesterday, left me in a state of total disbelief. And today, especially because I work from home, I've never felt more lonely in my life. I forgot how painful heartbreak is and I understand why I've always protected myself as much as I could. That one time, the one moment I let myself be open to something again, and it was all thrown in my face. Out in the open I put up my best strong appearance, not necessarily brushing it off, but showing that I will not be broken. But the moment I stepped into my room, or sit in my empty apartment, my stomach sinks and I just start crying uncontrollably. There are periods of the day where I'm focus on what I have to do and then all of a sudden, my mind switches automatically to a picture of last night, and I sink again.

Yesterday I had friends tell me to forget about it and I have to get over it, and I put up that strong facade. But like so many people famous and non-famous have said in the past, it's easier said then done. Its funny, I decided to look at some of my old online journal postings and I wrote one where I talked about losing faith and such. And to quote my self on February 21, 2007 "Do I know where I'm going and do I know what I'm doing? No. I don't think I ever truly will. But You have to have faith in something if you don't have faith in yourself." I told my roommate last night is it any wonder that I have no faith when people you care about can be so cruel. Looking back at that entry, It saddens me even more because i've been slowly picking up the pieces and been so focused on what I have to do professionally, monatarily, etc. and now, I don't even think I have faith in anything anymore. I'm THAT heartbroken. Then I get angry, not at the other party, but at me for being so stupid. I should have known better with my past and still I opened up a little. The boxer / kickboxer in me forgot the first and most important rule . . . never let your guard down and now I don't even want to get up from the canvas.

There is so much I want to do but I know I shouldn't. There's so much I want to say, but my mind is racing too fast for me to think as clear and concise as I want to be. I didn't sleep well last night and I don't see myself sleeping well tonight either . . . alone in a dark room. But I want to sleep, and just dream . . .. and I can't even do that because when I close my eyes all I see is him.

I don't know how to pick up the pieces again and rebuild a wall that took so long to erect. And like before can I ever let another person in?

And now I'm just . . . shattered . . .